by Amelie on August 18, 2010
Getting over a divorce is definitely a very difficult task. It requires a lot of effort and really good guidance and divorce advice, and it also takes up a lot of your precious time. Now, most people recover from a divorce in a couple of months. They say that the process of getting a divorce is definitely tough on them, emotionally, but the process of actually recovering from the divorce is much harder. After a person gets divorced, a lot of things happen to him or to her. Divorces have to cope with the changes that divorce brings. They need to start living alone, or with their kids, without a partner. They start fending for themselves and they start needing more outside help to maintain the family and the household. Obviously, after several months, divorces would have already adjusted to the changes that divorce brings. However, there is one thing that divorces abhor; and that is the day they actually discover that their ex partners now have started dating again.
Obviously, this is a really sensitive matter. It is not easy to know that the person you were willing to spend your whole life with is now dating someone else. It is also quite a sensitive situation because neither of the ex partners seem to know what the best time to start dating again is; they do not know whom should start dating first and if they have to tell the other one. Regardless of these things, the fact that you ex spouse is now dating is enough to let you go through another emotional rollercoaster. So how do you deal with overcoming jealousy?
Well, overcoming jealousy, as with most things involves the process of acceptance. If you truly want to deal with your jealousy, you must accept that your feelings are normal and these do not automatically mean that you still have feelings for your ex partner. Usually, what happens is that you feel like you own your partner while you are still married; you feel like you have the power to tell him or her on what to do and what not to do. Seeing him or her date another person, especially without your knowledge or permission, is akin to losing your power over someone. You must understand that you do not “own” the person anymore and distinguish whether your feelings are of ownership or of love.
If you really have a tough time overcoming jealousy, then simply remember why you parted ways. This is probably the fastest way to realize that there is nothing to be jealous about. If you got a divorce, then there is obviously something wrong. You had your ex partner before and it did not work out; do not romanticize your relationship and think of all the good times. Be very fair when looking back on your relationship as this is the only way to help yourself in overcoming jealousy. It is also advised that you list down all the reasons why your marriage did not work out to help you remember why you do not want a relationship with your former partner anymore.
Finally, never compare yourself with your former partner’s new partner. This is probably the biggest mistake people commit when they discover that their partners have now started dating new people. This is just a waste of time and will stall you from overcoming jealousy. Comparing yourself with the new guy or girl may bruise your ego and even start to let you feel inferior and liable for your failed marriage. Do not waste time in thinking of such things. Instead, move on and start dating yourself, when and if you are ready.
by Amelie on June 30, 2010
Some divorce advice that will help you start to heal your broken heart:
- Take time to take things in. Do not pressure yourself to move on or to be okay. Cry. Mourn. Scream. Stare into nothingness. Breathe. The pangs of divorce are hardest when it’s still so fresh that is why at the time frame of perhaps Day 1 til a month, perhaps, you have the permission to give yourself some time to take things in. It’s perfectly alright. Remind yourself that you’re only human. You have the right to be hurt and to show the people so. The best thing you can do the when the post-divorce common sense arrives is to have a “move forward” mantra to help you recover. A simple “everything falls into their right places” or “this too, shall pass” can help a lot to heal a broken heart.
- Reach out. Don’t close yourself to the rest of the world. Sure you may be strong but even Superman needs help sometimes. Don’t close out on some very helpful divorce advice. You won’t know when you’re going to get them or from whom! Share your thoughts and your feelings with people who are willing to listen. And go out of your room once in a while. Don’t be stuck in the black hole of sorrow. Be gentle on yourself.
- Learn from it. After everything that you’ve been through, will you just sit and feel like a loser and mourn? Of course not. Take some healthy me-time to assess things and think it through. What are the things in your marriage which were wrong from the start? What are the things that you always thought to be unchangeable and wrong with your (ex) partner? What were the wonderful things that you missed out on when you were married? Thinking about these things helps you get over faster.
- Socialize. More than reaching out, actually socialize and stop being uptight. People may give you unsolicited divorce advice or may want to talk about it when you least want to (annoying isn’t it?) but strategize a great way to get over the conversation and switch it into something which is more worthy of your time. Consider trying out new things, going to new places and meeting new people. Actually open up for a fresh start.
- Be honest with yourself. There may be times when you want to talk to your ex again or you’d want to badmouth him/ her to other people just to get sympathy. But really, this is not the way to go. At the end of the day, when it’s just you and the truth, you’ll be back to feeling rotten.
by Amelie on June 28, 2010
When we think about marriage, we think about happily ever after. We think about how beautiful a union of souls is, and how great it is to be blessed by such a wonderful marriage. We think about a happy family, shared responsibilities, and mutual love. We think about the promise of forever, and growing old together, and all the dreams two people could possibly share with each other. Unfortunately, marriages do not always end up that way. Marriages do not always last until forever, and the two people involved in a marriage may start growing apart and may start to want different things. In some cases, partners cannot stand to live with the other anymore, so they ask for a divorce.
If you are going through a divorce, planning to get a divorce, or are recovering from a divorce, you must remember one very important piece of divorce advice: release guilt feelings. First of all you must realize that this is not entirely your fault. Obviously, the both of you have had faults in the past, and you might feel guilty about not making it working, and maybe not even wanting to make it work as much as you should have; but when it all comes down to it, the top reason why couple want to get a divorce is still incompatibility. And incompatibility is something that no one can do anything about. So after you go on with your horrendously ugly divorce, remember to release guilt feelings totally.
Incompatibility will just hold you down and prevent you from moving forward. It will prevent you from starting a new life with a possible new partner. It might prevent you from enjoying life as a single person, it might prevent you from exploring new job opportunities, or it might even prevent you from wanting to live life at its fullest. The truth is, after a divorce, especially a divorce you initiated, guilt may eat you up, and you should not let that happen.
You must realize that divorce is simply an official ending to a marriage that was not working. If you stayed longer or if your partnered was forced to stay longer, you may not only lose your love for each other, but you might even start losing respect for one another and that is truly one of things that could happen between two people; especially people who used to love each other completely and sincerely. So if you really want to move on and truly take life by its horns, you have to learn how to just breathe and release guilt feelings you have. It will not help you in any form or way, so why hold on to it?
What you could do however, is to start looking at your life after divorce as a new beginning, a new chapter in the book of your life, a new lap in the race, a new frontier. Think of this new stage in your life as an opportunity to truly make something out of your life. If you have a dream that you were afraid to conquer, then now is the perfect time to do it. Think of it positively. Now, you do not have to be held down by people telling you to do stuff you do not want to or preventing you from doing stuff you want to do.
If you feel like you need divorce support, look on to your family and friends. They will always be there for you. If not, you could always find some online divorce support. Some people think this is such a desperate move but it is actually quite helpful. These online divorce support groups are actually made up of people who have gone through or are going through divorce, and they have a lot of stories to tell and tips to give.
Remember, you cannot move on and make something great with your life if you have not managed to let go of your past yet. Unfortunately, having strong guilty feelings towards your divorce will just hold you back as it obviously reminds you so much of your past relationship and how you ended it. Until you have actually learned how to let go of your past, no amount of passion for change will be able to help you.
