Filing For Divorce
During the filing for divorce process, it is important to maintain some long range perspective; otherwise the negativity generated during the divorce process can drag on forever and lead to damaged relationships and lingering animosity.
That is certainly true when children are involved, because how you handle your divorce can inform the way they handle the rest of their lives. Do it with a shortsighted outlook and you could leave your kids with heavy baggage to carry all by themselves for many years – including emotional baggage they’ll drag into their own relationships and marriages. But consider the long term implications when making those day-to-day divorce decisions and you can do wonders for your kids and for yourself and the future of your dealings with your ex.
Even if you have no children and you fully expect your friendship with your former spouse to remain viable, the divesting of shared property and the dividing up of financial assets can quickly turn ugly if you aren’t careful. That kind of battle can easily damage a relationship beyond repair or cause a mountain – or in some cases a ferocious volcano – to rise up out of what was really nothing more than just a tiny anthill.
Divorce is a process that involves many details, both large and small, and people who are careful not to get so close to the forest that they are not able to see the trees come through divorce in much better shape. You’re on a journey that might set your trajectory for the rest of your life, so think like a long distance runner instead of like a sprinter. The goal is not just to run the fastest race across the finish line, but to maintain endurance so that once you do cross that finish line you are still feeling healthy for the road ahead.
Planning anything sustainable requires that you look at the big picture. But that doesn’t mean you take short cuts that overlook important details. What it does mean is that having that longer vision and perspective allows you to understand which details are really crucial and which ones are not that big of a deal.
As a matter of fact, without long term understanding you will have no idea which big or small steps are important.
Preparing a meal for guests, for example, doesn’t mean you skip the little details like measuring the right number of teaspoons of salt in the casserole or the correct amount of water in the bread dough. But none of that matters if you lose sight of the big picture and forget how many guests you invited.
Let’s say, for example, that somebody is planning for retirement. Until they know when they’re going to retire and how much money they’ll need it is really hard to know how to invest. Having the overall picture in front of you – and keeping focused on those major issues and the overall vision – is what guides the smaller decisions about whether to invest in penny stocks, municipal funds, or real estate.
So don’t worry that seeing the whole landscape means you aren’t being attentive to the little things that count. It’s possible to do both and it is actually much more effective when you first maintain that overall big picture point of view.
Sometimes emotional issues like jealousy or heartache can get transferred to objects, for instance, so that a couple disagreeing about who gets the plasma TV or wine glasses is really having a conflict about who to blame for the divorce. So you may have to lose one or two skirmishes to win the bigger battle. Rather than tussle and fight over the CD collection or steak knife set, keep in mind that those things can easily be replaced. What may not be so easy to regain is trust, respect, and friendship if you or your ex allow those to get sacrificed for the sake of short-term victory.
If you’re faced with an emotionally charged decision, try to take a break and calm down before finalizing anything. If you have too much trouble dealing with some of the practical chores and decisions, consider attending counseling sessions during the divorce – not necessarily to try to get back together but to help smooth the transition.
Keeping your perspective by rising above it all during a trying time and a complicated phase of life means you will emerge with more dignity and grace after the dust settles. Those are the really important and sustainable kinds of assets that will continue to serve you well throughout your entire lifetime.
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