Teenagers & Divorce
As we all know from our own adolescent experiences, being a teenager can be really stressful. Teens are on that emotional bridge between childhood and adulthood, struggling to figure out who they are and what kind of identity they want to cultivate and own for themselves. In order to find that true and authentic self-identity they need to feel their independence, experiment with the possibilities that life affords to them, and push back against the roles of those adults who have defined them all through childhood. They are trying to rebel enough to at least get up the courage to leave the nest and test out their own wings in flight.
Then all of a sudden, right in the middle of their intense phase of transition, many of these teens find that the stability of their family life is disrupted by a divorce. Perhaps the one thing they were rebelling against – the reliable structure of their home life and the dependable authority and comfort of their parents – is suddenly not so consistent and solid any more.
Trying to be unconventional as a teenager is natural. But when the conventions that you are resisting against crumble and lose their shape and predictability, it can throw your teenage world into chaos. It’s like adults who complain about paying taxing to the IRS each April 15th. That’s only natural, because nobody likes to pay taxes. But if we woke up on April 16th to find out that there was no more government authority – and that we were left to fend for ourselves – we’d descend into total mayhem.
That’s why parents who want to ensure that their teens are not unnecessarily disturbed and damaged by a divorce need to take special care to attend to the needs of those kids, first and foremost. It’s not easy, because if you’re going through a divorce you are in your state of chaos and may not have much energy to give to others to help support and protect them. But you have to rise to the occasion, because that is the challenge and burden of being a good parent – which is also the most rewarding and noble role. To make it through this tough phase, don’t be afraid to seek out some help for yourself and your teen. You can get some wonderful support and insight from a qualified counselor or therapist, and role models like athletic coaches, teachers, guidance counselors, grandparents, and others may be able to assist in helping your child understand what’s going on and getting through the experience emotionally intact and intellectually aware.
Tip for Parents
One tip for parents of teens who are divorcing is to use the opportunity as a way to help the teen feel more grown up and responsible. That’s what teens are attempting to do in life, and if you give the teenager an appropriate amount of responsibility it can be healthy. Let them know that you need their help and support because it is a trying time for you and your spouse, for example, because by accepting that role they may find a way to feel closer to you that ever before. But keep in mind that they are just kids. Don’t dump all your drama on them or forget that they are fragile and that they cannot be expected to take sides if you want to get them to be your ally in a battle with their other parent. Do communicate with them in appropriate, sincere, and honest ways.
Above all, reassure them that the divorce does not mean an end of the family or of your love and dependable support. Put yourself in their shoes – or sneakers – and be there for them to listen, comfort them, and let them know that the relationship they have with you is not threatened by the problems you have with your spouse. Look them in the eye. Tell them that you love them. Put your own problems aside and give them 110 percent. Then everything will be okay for everybody involved.
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